Tuesday, April 14, 2009

bad advice

Presented for your edification and enjoyment, in no particular order, here is the worst wedding advice I have come across during my brief foray into this insane world.

1. Six months before the wedding, start having regular facials administered by a beautician.
That way, when you get a pimple three days before the wedding, it will feel like a major disaster instead of a minor inconvenience.

2. Work out what is most important to you, and spend the major portion of your budget on that. If music is important to you, you may not use an iPod full of your favourite songs. If your dress is important to you, you may not wear a $20 dress from an op-shop. Don't you understand that the importance of a thing is measured by how much it cost?

3. If you're wearing a sleeveless dress (i.e. 99% of all wedding gowns) you must tone your arms. It's such a beautiful moment in a wedding when your grandmother leans over to your aunt, tears in her eyes, and says, "Check out those guns! This wedding is awesome."

4. It is important to supply out-of-town guests with a bag filled with maps, chocolate bars and cute reminders of your relationship. You don't want them wandering around town, lost, starving and without a magnet to remind them of your initials, do you?

5. If you see the perfect pair of adorable Louboutins and you just absolutely need them for your wedding day, go ahead and splurge! You deserve it and if you don't you will always regret it. You are a sparkly princess and everything revolves around you and there will never ever ever be any consequences to your actions.

6. Your invitations must match your decor. All your guests will bring their invitations, hold them up against the table decorations, and check that they are the exact same shade of lilac. If they are not, you will be PUNISHED.

7. Put your initials and/or the date of your wedding on everything. As we have seen in many films, people often have sex in laundry rooms and bathrooms at weddings, and your bridesmaid might need to check the date of the wedding against the date of her last period.

8. If you can't dance in your wedding dress, you might want to consider getting a second dress for the reception. This is the only way to solve this problem. Oh, wait-- you could wear rollerskates and just get the other people on the dance floor to push you around, maybe?

9. Find room in your budget for a videographer; it's an important keepsake you won't want to pass up. Especially if you can edit in cool effects later, like a dinosaur biting you on the butt or something.

10. Your wedding should perfectly express not only your taste, but who you are. Because the best (perhaps the only) way to express yourself is through conspicuous consumption, and the decision to have poppies instead of roses in your bouquet is the most effective way to communicate your innner self to the world.

aw jeez

I'm getting married in three days and I don't have my shoes. Just about everything else is taken care of, though.

I had a big fat freakout the other night. I stopped the car in a parking lot and cried hysterically while Robert patted my hair and soothed me (possibly while wondering if it was too late to escape). It was over something completely unimportant, which just acted as a trigger for all my stress and anxiety and worry about this whole thing to come pouring out, and I found myself making reasonable points like "WHAT IF NOBODY THINKS OUR MARRIAGE IS REAL BECAUSE IT'S NOT A SIT-DOWN DINNER" and "I SHOULD HAVE STARTED MAKING TISSUE-PAPER POMPOMS MONTHS AGOOOO-HOH-HOH!"

Deep breaths.